The dangers of being confined indoors by wet weather – Evening statistics
It was not a day for much outdoor activity, since it was raining for most of the time. I did get out a bit, but locally, taking advantage of lulls when the rain fell fairly lightly. It was not uncomfortable, being fairly warm, and at no point was the wet weather aggravated by wind. Still, most of the day was spent doing household chores and then pottering about. There was little of note in the news as well.
I amused myself a bit by speculating about how, as numerous musicals and light operas have made after the fact about various well-known events, one in the distant future dealing with this crisis might unfold. It should, as I noted earlier, contain a chorus of sycophants (also known as the White House staff) whose function is to fawn about the President at every turn, while all the while being well aware of his failings. Here is a possible list of the dramatis personae:
The Doctor Bass
The President Baritone
The Press Secretary Lyric Soprano
The Chief Strategist Bass-Baritone
The President’s Eldest Son Tenor
The President’s Second Son Tenor
The President’s Daughter-in-Law Elect Dramatic Soprano
The Virus Coordinator Alto
The plot would center about the machinations of the Doctor and the Virus Coordinator to impose various restrictions such as social distancing and the wearing of masks, all the while being craftily thwarted in their efforts by the President, aided by his supporters, including his sons, his daughter-in-law elect, his chief strategist and, not least, the press secretary. The opening number might run something like this:
[The CURTAIN rises to reveal the CHORUS. As they sing the following in unison they break out into a dance whose liveliness appears rather forced.]
Our business is rejoicing!
Our business is rejoicing!
Let no one fail in voicing
Compliments and flattery!
It would be a disaster
For our great lord and master
If by chance a word of blame
Were to reach the ears of he.
His temper is appalling;
He is so fond of brawling
At any hint of opposition
He becomes a shrill banshee.
So if he starts to scowl
Lay it all on with a trowel
Lest he explode with ire and wrath
And assault and battery.
Our business is rejoicing!
Our business is rejoicing!
A scenario like the one I outlined suggests quite a variety of premises for various numbers. There would be an interview between the President and the applicant for the position of Press Secretary. During their duet, the latter explains that she has discovered that of all of the available scams the sweet innocent maiden persona is the best of the lot and that she has mastered it accordingly; at which point he is so impressed by her qualifications that he hires her on the spot. This would be followed by her first assignment, that of holding a press conference. As at one point she is left alone on the stage:
[Noise without as of people gaining admittance into the entrance of the building. She breaks out into a recitative.]
PRESS SECRETARY
Ah, me! They are coming –
And all my limbs are trembling!
Whatever shall I do?
Already the camera crew
Are busily assembling.
To publicly utter one continual lie
May be too much even for my
Famed powers of dissembling!
[Solemn MARCH as the JOURNALISTS file into the room. The PRESS SECRETARY instantly becomes smiling and gracious as one by one they find a position in which to stand.]
Thank you, gentlemen, for coming – and ladies too
As you are well aware, my position here is new
If occasionally I falter, I entreat you to believe
That never will I speak with intention to deceive.
The duty of informing, I am ever at its call.
Ask me anything, gentlemen, anything at all.
FIRST JOURNALIST [spoken]: Is it true that the President is trying to discourage people from being tested for the virus in order to lower the statistics of the number of reported infections?
PRESS SECRETARY [momentarily taken aback] Well!
[She then breaks out into a staccato patter with a tempo of presto, along the lines of Sondheim’s “(Not) Getting Married” from Company. As she enters into her explanation the eyes of the JOURNALISTS become increasingly dazed in expression.]
It’s a very complicated question, I will do my best to answer and attempt to make it simple, just as simple as I can, and you have to understand that testing’s in its early stages, its results are doubtful, not reliable, which is unfortunate, which is not to say that anyone should not get tested if he so desires, which I’m sure I wouldn’t blame him if he developed any troublesome symptoms – but to the point – You see the outcome isn’t always accurate, and there are many false positives, yes, many, I’m not sure how many but I will look the matter up and report the matter back to you as soon as I can, which is why the President recommended what he did.
[At this point she becomes less frenetic and the rhythm becomes more regular, with a slight reduction in tempo, allegro rather than presto.]
Am I clear? Am I clear?
And can everybody hear?
And I crave your kind indulgence while this new job I am learning
And I thank you one and all for the attention I am earning
For I’m somewhat slow of speech, as you are probably discerning,
But to keep the public well-informed, that is my constant yearning
Any question that you pose I will answer readily
I’ll relate the news and information very faithfully
For as anyone and everyone and all the world can see
There is no one who is possibly less devious than me!
CHORUS OF JOURNALISTS:
It is very evident
That she’s free from ill intent
If there enters in her words
A slight discrepancy,
We know all the same
She is not at all to blame
There is no one in the world
Less devious than she!
There should of course be one scene showing the President dismissing someone from his staff, beginning something like this:
PRESIDENT
You’re fired! You’re fired! You’re fired – fired – fired!
Your services no longer are required – quired –quired.
And at one point he will turn to the chorus, glaring at them and demanding whether any of them dares to impugn his decision by trying to make excuses for the poor trembling victim.
CHORUS
No fear of that! No fear of that!
Not one of us will go to bat
To speak a word on his behalf.
The mere idea, it makes me laugh.
He’s no longer one of us!
Throw him underneath the bus!
Not being a composer, I have only the vaguest of ideas of what the leitmotifs of the various characters should be like, but at the very least the one associated with the Daughter-in-Law Elect should have a Wagnerian quality, rather like the music associated with the Valkyries in the Ring Cycle, while that of the Eldest Son should make use of dissonant chords to convey a hint of schizophrenia and that of the Second Son should, on the contrary, contain a certain amount of vibrato to correspond to his somewhat wavering personality.
Yes, I’ve been sitting in the house too long.. The rain is moving away and I plan to be with the Vigorous Hikers tomorrow, so that day shall be spent somewhat more profitably.
Besides, I need some sort of relief from the depressing statistics:
Today’s statistics as of 8:00 PM – # of cases worldwide: 63,584,430; # of deaths worldwide: 1,473,738; # of cases U.S.: 13,919,870; # of deaths; U.S.: 274,332.